*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Come back with a warrant
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????