if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Not all heroes wear capes….
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
no cat here
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
new year update: losing everything but weight
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL