23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Lunatics are gonna loon.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”