My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The Friday File.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?