Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie