[canadians at you, canadianly]
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Start the year as you intend to continue.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”