This is sending me to another galaxy
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In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶