This is true.
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?