If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus