This kid is going places
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
This is not me but this is me
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”