If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.