FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Spring of Deception
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats