I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.