Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
this is the news I live for
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”