The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.