really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.