What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog