Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Does beer think about me too?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.