I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
The smoothest fall of all time
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
How to properly lift a body
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
lmao