[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.