2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Lmao
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Bread puns are on the rise!
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.