Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo