[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Try and stop me.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
brian had himself a morning…
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi