Some of y’all tomorrow …
You Might Also Like
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”