*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.