Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*