Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You Might Also Like
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS