We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.