Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”