*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
You Might Also Like
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.