Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
do what now??
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐