Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.