McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
This classic never gets old . . .
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Morningbreath
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok