Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Them: Just act casual
Me:
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.