TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus