Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
absolute chaos
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”