My birthstone is a sushi roll.
You Might Also Like
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
where do you see yourself in five years?