After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting