Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk