A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
a fate I wish upon no one
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.