One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.