Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Did…did a minotaur write this
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them