Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.