Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.