Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I feel seen.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Brands during Pride
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
…żyje?