Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I’m giving up ice.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I drew y’all a little something.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
According to math, I’m broke
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir