I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You Might Also Like
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫