Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Oh my God.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try