MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I have never related to a cat more
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!