Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.